A Healthy Relationship: Tips and Advice
June 24, 2022
It’s been over 8 months since I moved from Toronto to San Francisco to live with my now-fiancé, then boyfriend. Although we’ve known each other since 2012, we only became a serious part of each other’s lives only about 2 years ago. Being in a relationship, then a long-distance relationship and now living together, they’ve all had their fair share of up and downs.
In today’s post, I wanted to talk about some relationship tips, how to make things work but in a healthy way. I’m by no means an expert, but looking back and reflecting on the great relationship I have, these are some tips I’ve put together (in no particular order).
1. Your partner isn’t and can’t be everything for you
Oftentimes in a relationship, it’s easy to dump your entire life on your partner and expect them to be there for you. We’re greedy like that and we want someone to be everything for us - but that’s not how it works. Your partner is a big part of your life and is always there for you, but that doesn’t mean they’re there to satisfy all of your spiritual, emotional and mental needs. In fact, putting all that pressure on one person isn’t fair either.
For example, say you want to binge a Korean drama but your partner isn’t into that - it’s not fair to get mad or try to force them into doing that with you. Maybe your best friend is a better suited accomplice for that.
Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean that person becomes your entire world. We still need others in our lives. Don’t lose sight of your family and friends because they still care and love you lots.
2. It’s okay to do things separately and in fact, you should
Think about it this way: Before you met your partner, you were a perfectly fine, 100% functioning human with your own schedule, interests, passions and hobbies. Just because you’re in a relationship, doesn’t mean you need to morph into someone else and suddenly be attached at the hip. It’s okay to do things for yourself, by yourself and alone. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with the relationship.
Not every TV show has to be watched with them, not every walk has to be with them, not every moment of every day has to be with them. Realizing this can make a world of a difference because there may be things that you enjoy (i.e. reading, yoga, journalling) that you don’t want to give up, and you shouldn’t have to!
3. Talk about goals and visions
In life, it’s normal that people grow and change (read about a fixed mindset vs growth mindset to learn more about this topic if you’re interested!) but in a relationship, I think it’s important to talk about those goals and visions you have so that you’re growing upwards in the same direction.
For example, if Partner A wants to save an aggressive savings rate in their early life to retire by a certain age whereas Partner B believes in living lavishly and in the moment, there are obviously going to be some clashes. But by talking about these desires and dreams, you can inspire each other and be aligned for the future.
4. Not everything is equal
A mistake that I made in my relationships before is trying to split everything equally. I do believe in equality and being treated like an equal but I’m referring to this concept in a more chores/tasks situation.
But I quickly realized that not everything has to be split equally and that it’s important to play to your strengths. For example, can you really quantify how many dishes need to be washed to equate to assembling a complex piece of IKEA furniture? No, so stop trying!
Doing things out of love, out of kindness and out of the knowledge that what you’re doing lessens the load on someone else.
5. Small things matter
Big gestures and gifts may be some people’s love language but as the older I get, I feel like the more I appreciate the small things in life. Whether it’s making the other person a cup of tea, their favourite meal, giving a sincere compliment, sending a sweet message when you’re both at work or unspokenly doing something around the house (i.e. fixing something or taking out the trash) can go a long way.
6. Don’t bottle, speak up
If something’s bothering you, bring it up! There’s nothing worse than bottling emotions and then having it all come out when something small ticks you off. Similarly, when you’re having a fight about something, don’t bring up things from the past (i.e. that thing you bottled up) - it’s not fair to either one of you if someone keeps bringing up more and more issues from the past. This just makes the fight go on for much longer than it has to so make sure to deal with whatever’s bothering you right away.
7. Focus on the problem, not the person
Fights are normal even in a healthy relationship, so when you do fight, get to the root cause and set up action items or resolutions so that it doesn’t happen again. No one wants to keep fighting about the same things over and over again (i.e. if your partner keeps leaving their dirty clothes everywhere, set up a plan or laundry hamper so that every week you’re not having the same fight).
It’s also important to remember to focus on the problem, not the person. It’s both of you against the problem, not you versus them. By taking a more objective lens, you can work to a solution rather than letting your emotions get the best of you.
8. Don’t go to bed angry
As easy as it may be to just shut down and shut off for the night, I find that I can never have a restful sleep if something’s bothering me right before I’m about to go to sleep. Whether this be a bad day a work, a stressful day ahead or a fight with my partner - I always try to do the best I can to resolve the situation before sleeping. If it’s already late, this doesn’t have to be working through the entire issue and devising an action plan, it can simply mean saying sorry and hugging it out. Trust me - you’ll feel a lot better and have a much better slumber!
9. Understand your partner
A lot of disagreements and fights can stem from the fact that we simply don’t understand our partners. Say you want things done X way but they want it Y way, and then you both fight about it because you can’t understand why they want it that way. Realizing that this is a completely different person than you, who has been brought up in a completely different environment, family, household and lifestyle.
Naturally, the way that they do things can and probably will be different to yours and that’s okay! If you wanted someone you can always agree with, it probably makes sense to 1) date no one or 2) clone yourself and date them.
Developing the empathy to understand their point of view and their way of doing things will allow for a more peaceful relationship and a deeper appreciation of each other.
10. Every day, answer this
For those that follow me on Instagram (@roamingreina), you’ll know there are 4 questions that I answer with my fiancé every evening before we go to sleep and I truly believe that this practice has strengthened our relationship so much.
-What are 3 things that you’re grateful for?
-What made you happy today?
-What are you excited about?
-What was tough for you today? (This can be something about the day, work, something that one of us did)
11. Communicate always
Just like the title says, communicate always, especially when it’s hard. Going back to an earlier point, your partner is wildly different than you. And as much as we like to think this, they can’t read our mind so it’s always better to say what you’re thinking, feeling and planning out loud so that it’s clear to both of you.
12. Relationships take work
With the rise of social media, movies and TV shows depicting a fairytale love story, we can get swept away into those fantasies as well but that’s not real life. Relationships take a lot of work. Just like in the beginning when you’re getting to know someone, to when things are becoming more serious - it requires constant upkeep from both sides for things go smoothly.
Concluding Thoughts
If you’ve made it to the end, thank you for reading all the way through. As you can see, relationships can be one of the best things in our lives but they also require love, attention and nurturing. I definitely haven’t covered everything but these are the top ones I immediately thought of - let me know down in the comments below what your top tips are!
Sending you lots of love and light,
-Reina xo
