Lessons from my 10-day silent Vipassana meditation retreat

10 days of no talking, no eye contact, no reading, no writing, no phones, no music. 10 days of waking up at 4:30am, meditating for 14 hours a day, and eating the most beautiful vegetarian (often vegan) meals.

To everyone I told before and after going on this meditation retreat, the response was common: "You signed up for this willingly?"

It sounds crazy and even now, reflecting on this experience two years ago, I can't believe that I made it through the 10 days.

I signed up on a whim after reading this article in the Toronto Life magazine, and then proceeded to Google and read reviews of other's experiences. Many didn't make it through the 10 days, but I was determined to.

I won't go through too many details of the 10-day course or how it works as most of the information can be found on the official website and in this YouTube video I made after I got back.

Instead, I'll focus on the teachings and impacts that those 10 days have had on me, even after two years.

1. Awareness

When you have no phones, and when you can't look at or speak to anyone, it's natural that you'll look up and around more. Being in Northern Ontario, in a forest, there was so much nature (we were literally in the middle of a forest), and I found myself looking around in awe - was the present moment always this beautiful? Had I been missing out?

The answer is yes.

To the amazing architecture of buildings in Toronto, to the intricate structure of branches on a tree, to how snowflakes appear to fall in slow motion, to how saturated all the greenery looks after it rains and to the small rustles and sounds of nature.

I found that after I was integrated back into my daily life, it was as if I was living in 4K - with better vision to the details and better ears to the acute noises. It's honestly so crazy to experience and even harder to describe, but you feel a general increased awareness in all your senses.

2. Being alone ≠ loneliness

When was the last time you took yourself out? For dinner, to a movie, to a museum, for coffee, on a vacation?

Until 2 years ago, my answer to all of the above questions was "never". A few defining moments were:

In March 2018, I was home alone for a week and gotten into a bad kitchen accident, resulting in a (solo!) trip in an ambulance to the ER. Upon returning home, I was so bored so I decided to take myself to a half-price showing of Black Panther. I thought everyone would notice me as the weird girl with oily hair and a cast on her hand, but no one paid any attention or even cared. I even brought my own container of homemade sweet potato brownies! (save money live better, am I right?)

In August 2018, I went on a solo trip to Portugal, England and Iceland. On my first day, I had made a reservation at this high-end vegetarian restaurant, and yes, it was my first solo dining experience, but the food and staff were so amazing.

Trust me, initially it does feel strange doing things by yourself and being with yourself and still today, some of my friends and coworkers ask me "don't you get bored? don't you get lonely?"

And my honest answer is no. I've done more than I ever thought possible on my solo adventures and met so many kind and genuine souls, that I wouldn't have traded it for anything.

You are the person you will have the longest relationship with, so spending time to cultivate and develop that bond should never been seen as "boring" or "lonely".

3. Life goes on

Vipassana is practiced by observing your breath and all the sensations in your body. Some sensations are good, and some are not so good. Think about when you start to feel itchy, you immediately go to scratch it and relieve that uncomfortableness.

We are so quick to avert and get rid of any discomfort yet we crave an endless supply of pleasant sensations.

But life isn't and shouldn't be only pleasant sensations - how can you experience happiness and contentment if you don't know what sadness and disappointment are like?

That's where equanimity comes in. Equanimity is the mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation.

By remaining equanimous, you neither crave pleasant sensations nor avert unpleasant sensations, but remain neutral instead.

In practicing Vipassana and also by being on this spiritual journey, I've realized that nothing is permanent. Emotions, people, material items - it's all passing through our lives.

This mentality has also allowed me to detach myself from quite a lot of things - no, this doesn't mean I'm an emotionless robot, but rather, I know that my possessions don't define me, and distancing from people who I once thought of as friends doesn't get me down.

So if you're feeling like you've hit rock bottom, don't worry, this too will pass.

4. Realizing my values

The purpose of all forms of meditation is to live in the present moment since most of us tend to spend our time and thoughts ruminating on the past, or planning the future.

However, being the novice that I was, I was so excited for 10 entire days to think about all that I had to do, and that I wanted to do.

Naturally, I started thinking about the type of life I wanted to live and what was important to me. Over the course of the retreat, I came to 5 conclusions:

• Being vegan/vegetarian for the foreseeable future

• Not drinking alcohol or consuming any other substances for the foreseeable future

• Not having a big wedding - I'm talking city hall small or a maximum of 30 people (this one was super random but it was because I had gone to a few weddings before my retreat)

• Not wanting a wedding or engagement ring (same reasoning as above)

• Only owning essential items that served a purpose and brought joy (i.e. minimalism/essentialism)

Reading back on my 2018 journal where I wrote the above list, I could feel the passion behind these commitments and how strongly I felt - and I still feel the same today. I'm happy I had these 10 days to really think through what I wanted out of this life, because it makes me more confident in my beliefs and what I'm looking for.

5. Emotions

Sitting with my thoughts for 10 days, I was suddenly confronted with all my bottled up emotions and experiences from the past two decades.

Like most people, I thought I had dealt with "it", and that I was over "it" - but then why was I crying over some of my heartbreaks and family drama like they just happened yesterday?

For the first few days, there was no way I could "meditate" - my mind was just too full of thoughts and past regrets, so naturally all these things I thought I had moved past came bubbling up to the surface. There were times, in the meditation hall, where I would have tears running down my face and I didn't even realize.

Our lives are often so go-go-go that we don't get time to adequately reflect on the situation and release those emotions.

I was always quite strict on not letting myself cry over situations but now, I fully embrace it. In fact, I believe that crying is a great way to naturally release built up emotions.

Another great way to release emotions is by journalling. There are two methods that I swear by, Morning Pages or normal journalling (which I've been doing since I was 11!). Not only is it a great way to get everything out onto paper, but it also makes a great resource to read back on and see how far you've come.

6. Calmness and gratitude

As a result of attending the retreat and practicing Vipassana, I became more at peace with myself. This brought a new level of calmness that I had never experienced before. Instead of being hyperactive and anxious, I felt a sense of tranquility and stillness.

Sometimes I ask myself "what are you thinking about right now? what's going through your mind?" and the answer will literally be "nothing", because I'm living fully in the present moment.

Alongside being present, I began to realize how much I had to be grateful for.

Instead of complaining about walking 20 minutes in the dark to the gym at 5AM, isn't it amazing to live in a country where I can do that without being scared?

Or that I can even afford to go to a gym?

Or the simple fact that I even have strong, beautiful legs to take me there?

Once you start thinking of everything you have to be grateful for, no matter how small, you'll see the light even amongst your darkest days.

Concluding thoughts

If you've made it this far, thank you. I highly recommend this 10-day meditation retreat to anyone who wants to change their life for the better.

That being said, you don't have to take this route if you want to experience the healing power of meditation.

Simply start by taking 5 minutes out of your day to sit, focus on your breath, and gradually increase the time. If you find your mind wandering (which you will), pull your focus back to the breath and try again. Notice how you feel afterwards!

I was skeptical of "wasting" 10 vacation days, but the amount of internal travel and exploration I accomplished in that time cannot be compared to any vacation I could've taken in that time.

Sending you good vibes and lots of light,

-Reina x