3 years in San Francisco
Moving away from all my friends and family in my mid-twenties was the best decision I’ve ever made
Backstory
I was born and raised in Toronto, Canada and the longest I’ve lived away from home was a six-month period in 2017 when I studied abroad for a semester in the Netherlands. Those six months gave me a taste of the independence and strength that comes with facing life by yourself.
I’m hesitant to say that I grew up very sheltered but I think it was due to the fact that my parents and grandparents were already living in Toronto - versus all of us moving to a different country together. Things like my citizenship, passport, bank accounts, phone plan, social insurance, tax filings were all handled by my parents (more specifically, my dad, so a big shoutout to him for shouldering the responsibilities of our entire household).
When I was living in the Netherlands, setting up a temporary residence card and phone plan in a country where the official language was not English were all new experiences to me. Figuring out groceries, handling a full course load, and traveling to a new country every weekend was a metaphorical balance beam exercise.
After returning back to Toronto, I never seriously thought about moving away (and moving to the USA never crossed my mind). All my friends and family were in Toronto, I was comfortable with the processes and life here, and I could always use traveling as a way to see different parts of the world.
In 2020, after graduating from my Master’s program and writing my professional accounting designation exam, I was working full-time when the pandemic hit. Once things looked like they were settling down at the end of 2020 (lol), I started researching opportunities to transfer to PwC Netherlands or PwC Norway. Long story short, I realized I didn’t want to continue the work I was doing (full post on that here) so I scrapped that idea.
Initial thoughts on moving
When I started dating my now-husband, Meet, he was in between living in San Francisco and Toronto. He’s a software engineer and had spent a bit of time in SF. When our relationship became more serious, we both knew that long distance for extended periods of time wasn’t what we wanted. That then raised the question of where we wanted to live. It was clear that there were more opportunities in the US, not only in terms of potential cities we could live in, but also when looking at number of jobs available, and the salary. Don’t get me wrong, I do love Canada, but I think there are only a few major cities where you can live. In the States, there are so many major cities where you can make a living.
Given the proximity of SF and Toronto (a 5-hour flight), the fact that both countries were kind of similar, spoke English - the move seemed relatively low risk. If we didn’t like it, we could always move back to Toronto but the ideal scenario would be to live there for a few years, and then move back.
I won’t go into the logistics of finding a job and the whole TN visa sponsorship process but once all that was buttoned up, I moved to SF in October 2021. I wrote some reflections on my one weekaversary which you can check out here.
Lessons learned (the good and the bad)
Now as I’m writing this post, I’m coming up on my three year anniversary since I moved to SF. Recently, I was chatting to a friend who also moved to SF from Toronto for the same reasons (her partner is an engineer) and we both agreed on the fact that we were now living as our best selves. I’ve felt that way for a few years now and I wanted to dive deeper into why moving away from everyone was one of the vital decisions I made.
Self discovery: Growing up with friends and family surrounding you is a privilege but that can also lead to group-think. Your interests can become the same, your habits, what you think, etc. Living away from home, and away from societal/cultural expectations helped me figure out who I really am.
What did I truly enjoy doing without the ingrained patterns of what I grew up doing?
An example of this: I didn’t grow up as a very active child which ended up translating into my interests. When meeting up with friends, we would often go somewhere to eat, or partake in some other form of sedentary activity. When I moved to SF, I noticed how much more active everyone was. When we go walking by the pier, there are always people walking and running, and that inspires me to be active in my own life. Having a change of scenery inspired me to change my habits and try something new. Now I love going for walks, I have a consistent workout routine and recently completed 75 Hard, which you can read about here.
Being physically farther from friends and family, I was able to experiment with who I was and iterate on that until I felt a sense of equilibrium with myself. Sure you can argue that it’s possible to do this without moving away, and that’s probably true, but this is my lived experience. These are just a few examples of ways I’ve noticed I’ve changed, when compared to friends and family in Toronto:
Shopping: I was surrounded by friends in my life who loved to shop (for clothes) and that became something I did too. However, over the years, I’ve accepted that I find shopping mentally exhausting. Now, going to the mall isn’t something I do in my spare time, but only when I’m looking for a specific item to replace in my wardrobe.
Cooking: I cooked sparingly when I was in university and on my semester abroad, and even less when I was living in my family home. This led me to believe that I didn’t enjoy cooking when in fact, it was the environment I had grown up in. The kitchen I grew up in was often a chaotic place with many opinions and not enough time. Through my journey here in SF, I realized that I really do enjoy preparing healthy, nourishing food and having an organized, structured kitchen.
Relationships: When I moved away, I noticed a few friendships dwindle. I realized that my friendship with those individuals only existed due to proximity (i.e. because I could meet up with them often) - this was a tough pill to swallow but I’ve come to terms with that. I also noticed that I felt lighter after moving away because of certain family members that I didn’t have to interact with anymore.
Pace of life: My parents are very hardworking, and I can’t imagine how tough it was (and still is) to have their own lives, raise kids and support their aging parents. They’re always busy and seeing their lives, I thought that’s what life would be like for me too. Moving to SF, not knowing anyone, and having a work-life balance really slowed my social calendar and taught me that it’s okay to relax and take a step back. I don’t have to be hustling, working late every single day and cram my weekends in order to feel a sense of accomplishment. Being able to take time to rest and relax is a form of wealth I want to continue to prioritize.
Interests: One thing that I can’t imagine my life without now is hiking and going out to nature on the weekends. I got a taste of this when Meet and I went to Vancouver on our first trip together - we did so many hikes and my heart literally couldn’t keep up. I enjoyed being outside, seeing beautiful views, but not the feeling of my heart thumping and feeling so out of breath. Living on West Coast has provided so many opportunities for weekend hikes and visiting parks, and I’ve discovered how being immersed in nature can be so calming and healing.
It’s true what they say about “out of sight, out of mind” - I’m sure by not physically being in Toronto, I’ve saved myself from so many unwanted comments and pieces of advice on what I should be doing, when I should be doing it and how I should be doing it.
Independence: I alluded to this earlier but when you move somewhere new, you’re back to square one. Getting my SSN, setting up accounts, signing a lease, researching internet and phone plans - that was all new for me. Figuring all of this out (and making mistakes along the way) taught me a lot about adulting.
I also came to terms that the way I’d grown up doing things or seeing my parents do things may not have been the most efficient or effective way (again, no hate/blame to them - everyone in life is simply trying to do their best with their circumstances and situations). Meet and I became really smart about our credit cards, and how to use credit card intro offers and perks to our full advantage which has led us to get so much value in the form of lounge access, free flights, free memberships and cash back. Credit card churning is something I was completely unaware of in Toronto, when I had one credit card from the bank I’d been with for my whole life.
Living with a partner: I moved to SF not knowing anyone except Meet and this was my first time ever living with a significant other. Needless to say, there were a lot of changes in a short period of time: new country & city, new job, new apartment, new roommate (lol) - it was a lot to handle with lots of big emotions on both sides. The first few months were extremely difficult but looking back on our relationship, I can tell that we’ve grown so much as a couple compared to if we were living in Toronto. We were able to build our relationship on our own terms, without outside opinions.
Thinking back, I’m reminded of the show Love is Blind - couples get to interact and hang out “in the pods” - i.e. away from all their friends and family and things are usually quite rosy. However, when they go back to real life and integrate their relationship with friends and family, that’s when things start to crumble. Meet and I got to know each other, spend time doing things we wanted to do, and become stronger as a unit which I’m really grateful for.
Wealth
One of the reasons that intrigued me in moving to SF was the salary - I had never seen salaries like that for my level in Toronto. I do have to caveat this with the fact that SF is extremely expensive and every time I come home to Toronto, I’m very humbled by how outrageously pricey is in comparison. Given the high salaries for both Meet and I, the plan was always to live in SF for a few years, save up, and then move back to Toronto.
The cost of living is insane here, but having alignment on our financial goals and sharing similar values on living minimally, trying to cook our meals at home, and save where we can has helped us build wealth that I never thought was possible at this age. This is not to say that we live a deprived life - we travel a ton and spend money on what we think is important but cut ruthlessly on everything else.
I can confidently say that the foundation we’re building now would have never been possible in Toronto with the lower salaries and higher taxes. I know we’ll look back on these years and know that we made the right choices to set us up for financial independence.
Loneliness & making friends
At this point, you may be completely sold on moving to a new country but before you book yourself a one way ticket and start packing up your entire life, this wouldn’t be a complete story without sharing the tough parts.
I mentioned that I was comfortable in Toronto, all my friends and family live there. If I didn’t have plans on the weekend, I could easily tag along with my parents for a family friend’s event, or hang out with my grandma. There was no shortage of interacting with other people. Moving to SF, and during COVID, was tough. Most of my work at my first job was remote and through Zoom calls which made making friends (or at the least, chatting IRL with coworkers) really hard.
SF is a very transient city - many people aren’t “from here”, we’re all transplants. When I realized that I wasn’t going to organically bump into anyone, I started using Bumble BFF which is exactly what you’re thinking, a separate section of the popular dating app, but for making friends. It’s essentially the same process where you have a profile and can match with others that are also looking to make friends (thankfully it was all females).
After a few awkward first “dates” and getting ghosted, I finally found two friends that I was super lucky to meet and spend time with for almost 2 years (yep, you guessed it, before they also moved out of SF). I’m currently back at square one trying to find and make friends in the city but that’s just life. I’m grateful for my long-distance friendships and feel like my life is so much fuller with work, hobbies, family and Meet compared to before.
Is it worth it? + Concluding thoughts
These three years have flown by but they have been some of the most transformative of my life in terms of career, mental wellbeing, wealth building, relationships and travel. There have been many great outcomes but the process wasn’t always sunshines and rainbows - there were lots of big feelings and reprogramming I had to do to let go of preconceived notions of how things should be. Being outside your comfort zone is uncomfortable because as humans, we love the feeling of knowing and being in control, but the most change and transformation happens when we are challenged and put through tough times.
When I was in Toronto, the idea of the life I live now was literally impossible for me to even visualize and dream of but now, I can’t imagine living these years of my life any differently. I’m not one to regret things, and even though there were moments where I missed my parents so much, I wouldn’t change a thing about how this journey is playing out.
However, I do have these existential thoughts from time to time on if it’s all worth it. As a kid, going through school and university, there’s always structure, milestones and endpoints. Suddenly, when you become an adult with a full time job, you can truly choose your own path. The playing field isn’t level anymore, and with everyone living their own stories, who’s to judge on if “it’s worth it”?
Sometimes I wonder if chasing opportunities (career, money, lifestyle) here in SF is “worth” the tradeoff of seeing my parents and friends a couple times a year. These are the years where my parents are the youngest and my friends perhaps the most free (before settling down with children and general mid-30s life), but I’m here in SF. Will I look back and wish I didn’t stay this many years here? I can’t look into a crystal ball to know the answers to these questions right now, but i”m sure in a parallel universe, all these different scenarios are playing out. I’m at peace with the plan we have in place as of now, and will cherish my time here while I can.
Here’s to a few more years living in sunny and extremely hilly San Francisco.
Here’s to gratitude for these past years, trust in the future and excitement for getting to live this life.
Sending you lots of love and light,
Reina xo
