Why Our 20s Matter
The Defining Decade by Meg Jay (book review)
Hi friends, welcome back! In today's post, I'll be diving into a full review of The Defining Decade by Meg Jay, PhD. This book is all about how we should be living our 20s intentionally and with purpose, in order to set ourselves up for success for the rest of our lives. What I loved about the book is that Meg is a therapist, and all the examples that she gives are from real 20-year-old patients.
Before you start rolling your eyes and thinking, "I'm just trying to have fun, all of this stuff will fall into place later," - hear me out. Meg gives a great example of how if a plane departing from New York City changes its course initially by only a few degrees, it can either end up in Seattle or San Diego. What you do at the beginning of your life can radically alter the course that your life takes - if you get close to Seattle and realize you wanted to be in San Diego, there's little you can do but if you realize in the early stages, you can take control and navigate your way to sunny California.
Our 20s matter, and they're the period in which we grow the most. What we do now - big choices and small habits alike, will make a big difference for the rest of our lives.
I was definitely nervous when I started reading this book as ignorance is sometimes bliss, but I'm so grateful that I'm now equipped with the knowledge and action points to make the last 5 years of my 20s the most transformative.
The book is broken down into three parts: Work, Love and Body/Brain:
Work
1) Identity Capital
Meg talks a concept called Identity Capital - these are investments in our ourselves, and small assets that we acquire over time that build ourselves up. For example, gathering analytical/interpersonal/leadership/technical skills at our jobs, or becoming kind/compassionate/understanding from our relationships with others - Identity Capital items are a "currency" that we can use in the adult marketplace.
With those great skills we've developed at our old jobs, we can use them to "buy" us a new job, with the potential that we'll learn and gain new assets to add to our Identity Capital toolboxes.
With all the interpersonal/emotional intelligence skills that we've racked up, we can then use that to get an emotionally stable partner or be more clear in what we're looking for in our relationships.
Conclusion: We should always strive to take on situations/opportunties where we'll be able to acquire the most Identity Capital.
2) Social Ties
The strength of weak ties: It's often the people that we don't know well that will end up helping us the most. I've found this so true in my own life, when networking or even interacting with strangers, it's the people that we don't know well that will go out of their way to have a quick coffee, refer us, or help us the best that they can. Why is that? There is an internal satisfaction that comes from helping others and knowing that we've done a good deed. On the contrary there is...
The weakness of strong ties: The people who we're the closest to are often the ones that hold us back. This is because they are too similar - think about if we're feeling stuck at work or in our careers. If we turn to our university peers who graduated from the same program, who are working similar jobs - chances are that they'll be in a similar predicament. The best they can do is empathize and agree with us, but it's unlikely that they'll be able to provide insight, let alone refer us to a job as shown in the paragraph above.
Conclusion: The people we know the least are the most transformative - don't be scared to reach out to someone who may be an "acquaintance". The first step is often the hardest but it will be so worth it.
Love - obviously this is the section that I took the most notes on haha
Who we marry is one of the most important choices in life
The average age of when people get married is slowly increasing (women: 26, male: 28), but the divorce rate has held steady, around 40%, which means that postponing marriage does not mean a better chance of a successful marriage
1) Sliding
Meg talks about how it's very common for couples these days to live together before marriage and even engagement. Usually these relationships slide, the couple goes from meeting, to dating to moving in with each other. This happens because it's convenient, they're already spending a few nights at each other's places, so it makes sense to move in right? WRONG.
Oftentimes this sliding phase happens without serious discussions: where is the relationship going? what are the timelines for engagement and then marriage? are both parties committed or is it just convenient to live together? what are the expectations of living together? how will rent be split, and other bills?
When males and females were asked separately about why they wanted to move in together, females said they wanted to be loved/spend more time with their partner whereas most males said it was for the sex.
I know that sometimes these conversations are tough to have, but they're often not brought up in fear of what the other person might say. But it's better to hear the tough truth now, then to be "blindsided" later, all because you didn't ask.
Once we move in with someone without clearly defining the relationship/future timelines, it becomes too hard to exit. Suddenly there are shared pets, furniture that was bought together, weekend routines, shared friend groups - the switching costs become too high.
This is where it gets dangerous - we want to choose to be with someone because we love them and see a future with them, not just because it's convenient. Not because it's too tough to decide who'll take the dog, or that expensive couch that was purchased together.
Meg says that when one goes from dating to living together, it's easy to settle for that person because you're already "locked in". (Of course you're not actually, but people tend to become lazy/complacent)
However, this entire "co-habitation effect" that I mentioned above does not apply to couples that move in together after engagement but before marriage. This is because they both have clearer timelines and commitment levels regarding where the relationship is going.
Conclusion: Don't move in together before engagement/some formal commitment, and do more activities together other than going on dates to make sure you truly want to be with this person.
2) Dating down
In the dating realm, people can often resort to the mentality of sitting back and letting the dating happen to them. They don't choose, rather they get chosen by anyone that shows the slightest bit of interest.
Oftentimes this is due to self-esteem or confidence issues. In the book, Meg describes a patient's (let's call her Jill) highschool experience - she was always called ugly, no one liked her, her parents didn't let her go out, she never had a boyfriend. Consequentially, this led to a lot of self-image issues. As an adult, Jill would have one night stands, and let herself get used by anyone. This is because they didn't believe she had the power to take control of her romantic life, even though she was a top performer and dedicated employee at work.
Our experiences in highschool are some of our most defining memories and it's up to us to rewrite those stories. We can either spin them as triumphant, which then leads to transformative experiences or regretful/sad which then makes us feel failure and sadness.
It can be common to date down because of these narratives in our head, but if we just wait for whoever comes along, we might just have to marry them if we run out of time.
Conclusion: Don't date down (i.e. date people that aren't worthy of you) just because you think you can't get better.
Being in like
Meg said that a successful marriage doesn't depend on what we have in common with our partners, but rather it's how we deal with differences.
Being with a partner that's similar usually means that you react the same to situations. Additionally, surface-level similarities are often what attracts us to potential partners in the first place: religion, age, education, attractiveness, attitude, values, intelligence. The more of these we have in common, the less likely divorce is.
However, similarities can also be deal-breakers. Yes it is convenient if two people are brought up the same way, but it's personality that matters the most.
Conclusion: Similarities are great and yes, they may make things easier but don't choose someone just because of their surface-level characteristics because personality matters too.
Big 5
The Big 5 is a common personality test that assess Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness and Neuroticism - I won't be diving into the test results in the post but it's a great test that I highly recommend that everyone takes.
Personality is about who you are and how people experience you - 50% is pre-determined from birth but 50% can be shaped as we go through life.
A big reason that relationships don't work out in the long term is that each person hope that the other will change. Instead of relationships ending because things change, it's actually because people don't change, and these differences in personality are open there from the start.
Although having similar personality types results in greater compatibility, it's unlikely that we'll be able to find someone just like us. Differences will exist and we have to let them happen instead of stressing over them - differences aren't deficiencies and they help keep life fresh.
Conclusion: Having a compatible personalities is important but only to an extent - learning to appreciate each other's differences is equally as valuable.
The Brain and Body
Our brains develop bottom to top and front to back and in our 20s and 30s, our frontal lobe is still developing. The basic needs (food, water, shelter) are the first to develop whereas the forward looking part of our brain takes time - this is why we're good at finding someone attractive (i.e. procreation) but bad at identifying and seeking out a life partner.
There are two stages in which millions of new neurons are created to prep for a big change in our lives - as a kid and in our 20s. This is to wire us for adulthood.
The neurons then go through a pruning process where the ones that aren't being used are eliminated - therefore, we become what we see and do everyday (reinforcing the power of small habits for big changes).
Conclusion: Small habits and what we surround ourselves with matter, especially since our brain isn't fully formed yet
Calm yourself
For 20-year-olds entering the workplace, we receive such a shock because things aren't how they were at school. Microtraumas take a huge toll on us (i.e. the way your boss delivered feedback, getting an angry email from a client, doing something wrong) can cause serious anxiety and sleepless nights.
Negative news (things mentioned above) stay in our amygdala (emotional center) for longer but as we get older, we focus on the positive information and know what to overlook. Yes we might have misspelt the CEOs name wrong in a slide deck, but did we just close a multi million dollar deal or bring in more revenue? We will eventually learn to let the small things slide, but at the beginning, every misstep feels like it can end our careers.
Meg gives a great example - in our 20s, we're like a leaf flying through the wind. When things are great, we're flying high but as soon as our boss says something bad, we come crashing to the ground. On the other hand, if you take an experienced professional, they're like a tree. With strong roots, their branches might shake in the wind but they stay grounded.
The reason we feel this way in our jobs is because of the lack of confidence. We think that confidence develops from the inside out, but it's actually from the outside in. We feel confident only when we can point to things that we've done well. We must stay resilient with our confidence and recognize that even though we might do things right 80% of the time, there will be a few failures along the path.
Conclusion: The corporate world will be a shock - we have to learn to control our interpretation and response of events in the workplace. Our boss correcting us or giving us feedback doesn't mean we're going to be fired, but rather it shows that we are getting an opportunity to improve and be better!
Getting Along and Getting Ahead
Our personality changes the most in our 20s - our 20s are our best chance at change, and it's not too late. We can feel better about our futures by investing, whether that's financially, career-wise or relationship-wise.
Having goals in our 20s leads to better satisfaction in our 30s, and making commitments to these goals gives us stability.
Conclusion: Make the most of your 20s, invest in people and things that will set you up for success.
Every Body
*This section is about planning for children, so if that doesn't interest you then skip ahead!
Our fertility peaks in our 20s, but nowadays, 1/3 of first-time moms are 35+. This is because women want their careers and love lives figured out before having kids. However, after 35, we are 1/4 as fertile as our prime, egg quality decreases and our unstable hormones may derail any pregnancy that might happen.
Before 35, during ovulation, there is a 20-25% chance of getting pregnant but that drops to just 5% after 35. This means that a couple would be trying for longer, all while their chances are decreasing and the time is ticking.
After 35 also leads to a 1/4 miscarry rate, with treatments like IVF costing $100,000 with an 80-90% failure rate. This is because we think we have our whole lives ahead of us. Just because we see celebrities getting pregnant at older ages, doesn't mean it's easy, cheap or stress-free.
1/2 of childless couples are not childless by choice but rather poor planning. Marrying late and then wanting kids late thrusts a couple straight into the most straining years of marriage. Having kids late means that we're taking care of toddlers/teenagers while looking after our aging parents and everything becomes a race against time: how much time will our kids have with their grandparents?
Conclusion: If you're serious about having kids, then start thinking about timelines. There would be nothing worse than wanting them but not being physically or financially-able.
Do the Math
Time goes by fast - and we can't keep track of its passage. Each day may feel the same, but suddenly its August 2021 and we wonder, "Where did the year go?"
We think the future is this distant thing, but in reality it's approaching much sooner than we think. We would rather go on that flashy vacation now, buy that designer handbag now, spend hundreds of dollars on drinks now, rather than save up for our retirement because "it's so far away".
We are encouraged to enjoy life now, and told that we're only young once but this distance leads to abstraction and detachment. We tell ourselves we'll start saving later, or that we'll settle down later, but these timelines never work out because we don't have a realistic conversation with ourselves about our future.
Good stories and happy endings are intentional, they take planning and serious thought. It's rare that these things just work out in our favour.
Conclusion: Things rarely work out with perfect timing, rather, they require some level of planning. Think about what type of life you really want and establish realistic timelines on when you plan to hit those milestones (career, marriage, kids).
Concluding thoughts
This book gave me goosebumps so if reading my summary did the same for you, you're welcome. Actions in our 20s are crucial and what we do matters. If we pay attention to life in our 20s, the real glory days are still to come.
I know there's the stereotype of just enjoying our 20s and that 30 is the new 20 - but our biological clocks are still the same. What we do now can set us up for a long, long, long life full of success.
It might be uncomfortable to have these serious conversations with ourselves or our partners, but its better to uncover these truths now so that we can adapt and grow or if necessary, move on and end a relationship.
There's no place more uncomfortable than being stuck somewhere you know you don't belong.
Sending you lots of love and light,
-Reina xo